April Shenanigans

It appears that I am failing at my goal to post multiple times a month.  Aubree had her school play where she played an elephant and lead monkey in the jungle book.  She as very confident and expressive.  She did a wonderful job.  Charity, Sandra, and my parents came up to support her and each brought flowers so she had too many of them.  That same day, we heard the news that one of my students committed suicide. It is the first time that I have lost a student and my heart ached for his family and the other students at school.  It is so hard to understand why anyone would do such a thing or what battles they may be facing. He was a well liked young man and seemed happy most of the time. I was reminded that we are never aware of the inner battles that people may face or questions they may have (those close to the family say he wanted to know what heaven was like and if God was really there).  Tonight was one of the rare occasions where I ran a bath, relaxed,  and pondered having a moment to myself.  I found myself singing a few hymns, one of which states "I believe in Christ so come what may" and it caused my to stop and reflect on that.  I do believe in Christ and amongst my struggles and personal weaknesses, I am going to be okay.  The past few weeks, I have felt sorry for myself and times and felt as if I had no one to talk to but I can always turn to my Heavenly Father, although at times it is not my first choice (it should be though) because I have not prayed as consistently as I should.  I have thought about specifically the last few days and today when they home teachers came over, one spoke of praying in good times and in hard times and to really talk to God.  You see, sometimes I find myself so focused on trying to help others get help that I neglect myself.  Jake has been trying to overcome some personal struggles and I am deeply grateful he is doing such and reaching out to others but at the same time, I almost want someone to reach out to me and see how I am doing with it too.  Although my struggles are different, a spouses struggles effect one another too, including my struggles effecting him.  Maybe it partially my fault or maybe if I was more diligent in earnest prayer and scripture study I could be a force of good.  There are times where I feel very inadequate and even times when I feel that someone else would be better for him at helping to overcome things and allowing him to reach his full potential. Do I hold him back?  Then moments later, I feel it must be me allowing Satan to creep in and encourage these feelings of low self worth or disappointment.  Am I doing my family an injustice by not being better?  Am I truly teaching my kids, my beloved babies, what they need to know by word and deed? Am I bringing them closer to their Father in Heaven and elder brother? Am I really teaching them the atonement applies to much more than repentance from sin?  I feel weak but at other times bolstered up.  Despite what happens in my life, I hope to always know that I am loved from above and turn to God in times of need and celebration.  I want my husband and children to look at me now and in the future as a force for good in this world and more specifically in their lives.  I want it to my voice they hear when temptations come their way or they are doubting themselves. They need to know that I believe in them and they are loved beyond measure.  Speaking of my little family, our routine exhausts me.  Each morning I get up and take Ginny to seminary, then to work, and when I get home from work it seems that we hurry off to the ball field for practice or for games.  By the time it is dark outside, I am ready to hit the bed but think of a thousand things that need to be done: lunches packed, laundry completed, forms filled out, etc.  As busy as life is with our crew, I would not change it.  Last week at stake conference, our ward boundaries were changed. It was packed at church today but that is a good problem to have.  Jake should be released from young men's president next week, is it bad to kinda be glad.  He has served as young men's president for almost four years and worries greatly about the young men but early morning Sunday meetings are not his thing.  Ginny will finally have a a friend in young womens, so that makes me happy.  Today, I pulled out the Christmas gift that Sandra gave me this year, it is a little bag made out of one my Papaw's shirts that I remember him wearing.  It will be my first week of May bag from here out as I remember his birthday.