Life is breathtaking... sometimes it stops your air and your heart leaps. Other times it feels like the air is getting too thick to consume. At other times your breath slows to a pace that it seems everything is standing still. No matter your breath or how you might define it, you are remarkable as am I...sometimes we all need that reminder. There are moments throughout some days that I just want to feel like I matter, like I am important, or like I am cherished. When this happens it affects me for a few days. No doubt that my husband loves me and for sure my sweet kids too (especially Christopher) but the struggle is real. There are moments when I feel as if I give it my all yet it's not reciprocated. Moments where what I want is completely on the back burner and yet I consistently try to do and be what Jake wants oft feeling the same is not done for me. Or I drop hints or directly say something and all I get is "I'm sorry we are having a hard time right now", wait! - what about talking it out and really see what is eating at one another, instead of ignoring it. This may sound as if I have an unhappy marriage but it's really quite the opposite, I feel we are very happy. I can only think of twice in marriage where I feel our marriage or happiness together was threatened and that was in 2003 or 2004 in Utah and the fall of 2015 (which lasted a couple months and one of the worst things to me is that Jake didn't even realize we were growing apart- his touches nor kisses were the same and our conversations were superficial). It is days like those or today that I want to crawl back into bed and sleep it all away but I can't. I need to be present for my kids, ensure they feel loved, ensure their needs are met, and see them for who they are. But my eyes still show the struggle, if anyone takes the time to really look into them- The reality of what I face today or feel right now. Why do I share this? Because we all have days or moments or years or lifetimes like this. And I want to share a few thoughts that I too need to apply.
1. Take time each day to do something for you, something that lifts you, whatever that might be.
2. When you interact with others, take time to look into their eyes and see behind their masks, behind their brave faces and words. Recognize their humanity, frailties, and existence.
3. Don't let pain stop you from being- from existing in whatever form, graceful, happy, or not. Give yourself space to simply be.
4. Remember you are never alone in anything you face. Though your circumstances may be unique there are always others who understand or at the very least will sit with you. (I need to find that person for me because often I do not want to burden others and can not my sisters right now).
Do I have things all figured out, do I have solutions to everything? Not at all. I generally get it wrong and I regularly make mistakes. I raise my voice at my children too much and lose patience with others. There are days where I feel like I have no one to talk to about my struggles, days I feel utterly alone, and days I want to crawl in a ball (because of how I feel or because I've said or done something stupid). But that's the beauty of life...just being, accepting, and breathing.
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