July 25, 2017

I am not sure why this did not publish on July 25 (also the night we took girls to The Little Mermaid)
Preface- the beginning portion of this was written last night (I did go back and delete some things because there are things that need not be disclosed).
Well maybe I am wrong....maybe Jake has checked out. He came in tonight and I thought maybe it was to talk but he doesn't feel that helps but leads to situations like the one we are in now where we have been off for a few weeks. But I think he has probable been annoyed for a good five to six weeks. Even tonight when I suggested hashing it out, he refused. He was silent when I told him that I felt it had been a little while and that I thought it was a battle for him to be in love with me right now, he definitely did not deny it leaving me the impression he wasn't sure we can be fixed nor that he even cares to try. Is it possible that I haven't felt feelings of being alone in my head? Am I that hard to live with? To love? Maybe I am not worth it or to him we are not worth it? Have I been naive? The week before we left for Texas,  I was informed of three things: 1. I am controlling and "wear the pants in our family" (I ask him about almost everything or so I thought to prevent him from getting upset) 2. My family is around or over way too much this summer and 3. I shut down some of his ideas. Yes, those things hurt my feelings very much but over the last few weeks since he told me I've given it my best, despite being sad about it, to do better. Now I am fully aware that I'm very far from being perfect but I can say I think about him in everything that I do. There are things I can't disclose in detail but it in the past I have felt at times if I were different that he would be happier and better, so much so, as much as it broke my heart to think of not being with him that I felt it might lead to a better life for him. There are moments in my life that my heart breaks to feel that I am not the person that I need to be for him.  (Monday, July 24, 2017)
You may be wondering why I choose to share this top part and not delete it, well there are rough times in marriages and in life. It happens and we not need shun them...things can be worked out. We ended up talking for a few hours last night and were able to express our feelings and opinions.  I think we had both said things in frustration; I know that I did when I felt he was pressing me to let it out. I regret that those things were said in the tone they were and that they were said at all. Maybe we are in a rougher spot that I realized but I am confident that it will be overcome. I love him and my life with him (that sounds selfish) too much to let it fall apart, even if I am the only one fighting for it.  Jake did raise a good point last night that we have battles we fight for one another and our marriage the the other does not realize.  The example he gave was the idea that he may never get to move out West or that he may never leave Tennessee. One thing that I know for a surety is that inner battles are real, those silent battles can eat away at us and we must work to out them out. Now sure, there will be moments in our lives where they creep back in but we can not let them define us.