Halloween is up & Utah Game

We have most all out Halloween up and it makes me happy.  I very much enjoy decorating for the holidays.  Jake had put the big skeletons up a couple weeks ago and in an effort to help me, got the rest out of the attic.  I appreciated the gesture and it was easier to get to, however, it may be harder to put away.  

We also took the opportunity last weekend to drive to Oklahoma to watch the Utes play.  We like that some of their games are now closer.  Travis and Jonah Donald accompanied us. I missed sitting upfront holding Jake's hand but was glad he was able to have his buddy accompany us. 

Answered Prayer and Self-struggles

 Recently during family scripture, we talked about how to make our prayers more meaningful. One idea that Jake suggests is praying in the morning conveying what you would like to accomplish that day and then in your night prayers sharing the accountability for that day.  I have been trying really hard to be more patient with Will and to show him more love. Last Thursday morning, I was conveying that to Heavenly Father and mentioned in my prayer this drink Will really likes but cannot seem to be found (Will had asked me to look a couple weeks prior at Walmart for it when I was running in). I had googled the manufacturer to see which stores sold Cotton-candy flavored Faygo. The primary store is Family Dollar, which I seldom got o and do not pass often.  On Saturday, Christopher and I went to gather items for baskets to leave on porches of people with the plan to go to like a Walmart or Target but Christopher suggested Dollar Tree and Five Below, which I also rarely go to. While we were in Dollar Tree, Christopher saw Faygo and said "Look, they sell Faygo".  We walked over to the shelf where he saw the drinks and there it was among the others, cotton candy flavored.  I shared with Christopher about my prayer and felt heard by my Heavenly Father. In just a mention of something my boy liked and I would like to get him to show love, in a matter of a couple days, it was found by a series of events that were unforeseen. What a reminder to me that even the smallest things matter to God. It was a reminder and evidence to me that He lives, hears me, and cares for me...something that I needed to know. 

I am reluctant to share the following but I do think it is important to know that we all have struggles time to time.

Thoughts I had jotted down on my phone: 

 9/8/2024 There are days where I feel isolated, judged, and lonely. Days when I feel I need to distance myself from everyone except Jake and our kids. Days where I realize I don’t have many friends, like very few. Days where I realize people I once thought were my friends or card probably don’t and speak unkind of me behind my back. 

Days when I think I’m not a good person and undeserving.

Days where I want to move to an isolated island.  Days when I don’t want to leave the house. Days when I want to hide away and cry.

Then there are other days when I know God shows up. Days when I know if no one else wanted me in their life, Jake does. Days when I’m trying my best to teach my children and we have a good moment together (like sitting by the fire pit talking). Days when I realize I’m so very blessed. Days when I realize I need to let God in my story more. Days where I need to focus on checking in on others rather than thinking I want to push most away. 

9/15/2024 I do not like me. I am learning Sundays are hard. It’s a battle to get my boy to church sometimes because he’s being defiant. And I often come home from church more down on myself than before. I see lots of my flaws and can understand to some token why some people quit coming to church if they aren’t yoked to Christ. I am lonely. I’m not sure I can say others necessarily treat me differently as much as maybe it’s in more secluded because I don’t want to do or say something stupid to make it more challenging on Jake. I also don’t want to burden him with my feelings and add to his already heavy load he shoulders alone (not really alone because God is there, so maybe private is a better word).  I know I’m his top priority but I do not want to deter from others that may need him. I’m certain there’s something I need to learn through all of this but the journey isn’t always joyful. 

Scares but knowing all is well

 This past July, a 1.9cm cyst was discovered on Jake's right thyroid. We were sent to endocrinologist, who ordered another ultrasound of the thyroid.  The ultrasound showed it was solid and not liquid which increases the likelihood had that is cancerous (although cysts on the thyroid are a majority of the time benign), so a biopsy was ordered.  I could tell when I got home from work the day of the ultrasound that Jake was a little concerned.  He told me he was fairly confident that it was cancerous as he closely watched and then came home to research more and compare images.  The biopsy was performed 9/4/2024 and then we just had to wait.  I checked the patient portal often and on the afternoon of 9/5/2024, I saw the results....BENIGN!!!  I do not think Jake nor I realized that we were more nervous than we though as we both felt joy and relief.  We had decided either way, we would be fine.  The text message below is what he sent to his family (we had told only his parents):

"Wanted to let y'all know that I had a biopsy done on a nodule in my thyroid.  I wasn't really sharing with anyone except mom and dad because I didn't know if there was really anything to worry you about, though I imagined mom may have told a few of you.  I will admit, I have been a little nervous about it.  I got the report back today.  It is benign.

In the little bit of time I have had to think about what behavior I might change or what I might do if the news was worse, there is one thing I would make sure.  I would make sure each of you knew how much I loved and appreciated you.  I can think of some many things I am grateful for about each of you.

However, since it is benign, I think I will keep all of that to myself and let you know that I still believe I am the only perfect child mom and dad have."

He had a colonoscopy scheduled for 9/9. I took off work to carry him and told him that a part of me wondered if that would show something because he felt strongly the cyst was cancerous.  He said the same thing had crossed his mind.  We were once again fortunate to show no abnormalities and all was well.  It has caused me to reflect a little on how much I need and love that man.  I would be devastated in the event something happened to him. He keeps me grounded, is a source of joy, and a spiritual rock for our family.

Happy Birthday Aubree!

 There are people in this world who make others better by being around. Our Aubree is one of them. She’s a ray of sunshine brightening the lives of others. Happy Birthday Aubs! Your positivity is contagious and you are pure joy. We love you and miss you like crazy.

Back to School Shenanigans and August update

School looked a little different starting back this year with us attempting to home school Will.  Christopher began his 9th grade year at the academy and Jake entered is 19th or 20th year of teaching. I was a little sad again this year not to be returning with Jake but kept myself busy with work and trying to get things squared away with Will and find curriculum.  

We had Will apply for jobs and he was offered one at the dry cleaners and Chick-Fil-A.  We wanted him to take the job at the dry cleaners because his schedule would be 7-1, off on Thursdays, and never passed 7:00pm because they close at 7. However, despite our counsel, he chose CFA.  I was initially aggravated by it because I worry that they would not let him off in time to get Chris and less flexible with his schedule but I know feel Will followed the Spirit.  The week after he started, we learned of some inappropriate conduct at the dry cleaners through a friend's daughter who had gotten a job there. She was told and shown police reports filed on one of the older men harassing a teenage female employee.  He Will had his first day at CFA on 8/26.  We hope he enjoys it and it helps me not worry so much during the day.  We will just work to ensure all his schoolwork is completed. 

 Aubree had dinner with one of my old seminary teachers and one of their children. Another tender mercy of God placing people in the paths of my children and nearby. It provides me a little more comfort knowing if something happened, people are close I can call on to get to our Aubree.