Answered Prayer and Self-struggles

 Recently during family scripture, we talked about how to make our prayers more meaningful. One idea that Jake suggests is praying in the morning conveying what you would like to accomplish that day and then in your night prayers sharing the accountability for that day.  I have been trying really hard to be more patient with Will and to show him more love. Last Thursday morning, I was conveying that to Heavenly Father and mentioned in my prayer this drink Will really likes but cannot seem to be found (Will had asked me to look a couple weeks prior at Walmart for it when I was running in). I had googled the manufacturer to see which stores sold Cotton-candy flavored Faygo. The primary store is Family Dollar, which I seldom got o and do not pass often.  On Saturday, Christopher and I went to gather items for baskets to leave on porches of people with the plan to go to like a Walmart or Target but Christopher suggested Dollar Tree and Five Below, which I also rarely go to. While we were in Dollar Tree, Christopher saw Faygo and said "Look, they sell Faygo".  We walked over to the shelf where he saw the drinks and there it was among the others, cotton candy flavored.  I shared with Christopher about my prayer and felt heard by my Heavenly Father. In just a mention of something my boy liked and I would like to get him to show love, in a matter of a couple days, it was found by a series of events that were unforeseen. What a reminder to me that even the smallest things matter to God. It was a reminder and evidence to me that He lives, hears me, and cares for me...something that I needed to know. 

I am reluctant to share the following but I do think it is important to know that we all have struggles time to time.

Thoughts I had jotted down on my phone: 

 9/8/2024 There are days where I feel isolated, judged, and lonely. Days when I feel I need to distance myself from everyone except Jake and our kids. Days where I realize I don’t have many friends, like very few. Days where I realize people I once thought were my friends or card probably don’t and speak unkind of me behind my back. 

Days when I think I’m not a good person and undeserving.

Days where I want to move to an isolated island.  Days when I don’t want to leave the house. Days when I want to hide away and cry.

Then there are other days when I know God shows up. Days when I know if no one else wanted me in their life, Jake does. Days when I’m trying my best to teach my children and we have a good moment together (like sitting by the fire pit talking). Days when I realize I’m so very blessed. Days when I realize I need to let God in my story more. Days where I need to focus on checking in on others rather than thinking I want to push most away. 

9/15/2024 I do not like me. I am learning Sundays are hard. It’s a battle to get my boy to church sometimes because he’s being defiant. And I often come home from church more down on myself than before. I see lots of my flaws and can understand to some token why some people quit coming to church if they aren’t yoked to Christ. I am lonely. I’m not sure I can say others necessarily treat me differently as much as maybe it’s in more secluded because I don’t want to do or say something stupid to make it more challenging on Jake. I also don’t want to burden him with my feelings and add to his already heavy load he shoulders alone (not really alone because God is there, so maybe private is a better word).  I know I’m his top priority but I do not want to deter from others that may need him. I’m certain there’s something I need to learn through all of this but the journey isn’t always joyful.