Christmas

Today is Christmas Day and it has not been one of my most favorite. Not only do I feel uncomfortable (I’m the least liked), Aubree and I had an unpleasant conversation, the boys have fought (which I think has some to do with lack of sleep), and Will had a really tough night. This is two tough nights in a row with him. I do not feel that I was able to focus on the Savior today like I should have, which is on me. I did read some in the gospel library but my focus was not as it should’ve been. 

Of all days, I should not complain but I need a space to vent a moment and complain (with that said, please know I’m a little irritable and tired right now). To begin, I feel like my kids were disappointed with their gifts. I did not like having to wait on the girls to arrive either as I love watching them open gifts first thing in the morning. I allow myself to get irritated over dumb things too. For example, I had picked out 4 possible pair of socks for Jake and they completely got another pair and gave two of the others to Blake and David. I feel like Crystal consistently tries to point things out (like telling me not to start laundry, complaining about my boys, etc).  I feel like I’m not really part of the family and just here because I’m Jake’s wife. My Christmas tag was the only signed “Lynn and Tommie” and not “Mom and Dad” or “Grammy and Papa”. I also feel like people aren’t interested in being around me or carrying on a conversation with me. I try to go with it because I want Jake and the kids to build relationships and make memories but I’m definitely the least liked around. I feel like I’ve been trying for over 20 years to feel accepted and loved. I feel like it’s not right for Jake she our kids….it would be different for them if I wasn’t the mom/wife. 

I am at my wits end with my son. I have prayed and prayed for guidance. He is so defiant and disrespectful towards us. I want to build him up and be a positive voice in his head and I really try but he doesn’t want to take any accountability for his actions and isn’t always truthful. I feel like I’ve failed in so many ways.