Parenting solicits all kids of emotions, ups, and downs. While each of my children have empowering strengths, they also each have struggles and different stressors placed on me. There are times I feel inadequate to parent and feel as if I have failed in certain aspects as a mother/women. This morning my heart is heavy for each of my children for specific reasons.
Ginny. Ginny is currently dating a 18-19 year old boy that is preparing for a mission. She told me yesterday it was different with him and she felt like she loved him. While I have not met him yet, it raises a few flags. One, he has asked her to "wait" on him while he is on his mission. They have only been dating a little over a month or so. Secondly, she is a driven and has been focused on completing her degree. I want each of my girls to marry someone where they do not have to work but feel the education is important in the event they have to one day. I am sure when the time comes and they are preparing to begin a life with someone, I will have other concerns about the husband providing for the family spiritually and financially. Ginny is obedient and becoming a powerful young woman.
Aubree. Aubree is in a world of her own in Utah, a world that in some ways excludes us. She has found the new freedom and things she is more grown up than she is. She is actively preparing to go the temple, which is something that I want all my children to do but I do not understand why she feels the urgent rush. We are trying to encourage her to wait until the summer when she can hopefully spend more time with us and more family can plan to attend. While I have seen growth in her in Utah, I have also seen some things that are not my little girl. She uses words more loosely now and her modesty standard has declined some. However I do believe the modest thing is primarily working out or Halloween, it raises concerns to me as a mother because small deviations can lead to larger ones. I fear Aubree is not getting adequate rest. She is in school, working two jobs, and has quite the social life right now. Fortunately, both our girls, Ginny and Aubree, faithfully attend church and participate in their church callings. Ginny is a stronger desire to see us more often and I eagerly anticipate when that hits Aubree too. I pray that my babies, all four of them, will always be close, in touch with one another, and involved with Jake and I. Aubree loves to give to others, like she really likes to give gifts to others, and her heart has righteous desires. She wants to know the Savior.
Will, oh Will. He is battling with his self confidence which I believe is leading to other issues (primarily hygiene but a whole new level of it). Just this morning after dropping him off at school, I pleaded with God to please help me help him. Have I failed so much that my son has no idea how loved he is or who he is, as our son and a son of God. I prayed fervently for his future wife/companion to love him in a way to build him up where I have fallen short. Do I focus so much on his weaknesses that I neglect to point out his strengths? Last night on the way to mutual he was down talking himself, should I have pointed out more good? He expressed that some kids were mean to him at school and called him names for defending a friend as asking a fight to not be videoed. He has the best heart and is so empathetic. Does the compassion come of out him being picked on and knowing the feeling? Does he have friends? My heart breaks for him. We have told him that improving his hygiene will lead to less negative comments from others. I am so scared he hears negative voices towards him at home and at school. He should feel protected at home, a place of refuge. Jake gets upset at him and decides he cannot talk to him, which I think is 100% wrong and have told him we do not turn our back on our kids ever. I also told Jake last night that when he does that it makes me feel as if I am at it alone. Will is hard right now, but he is our hard and we are his parents. We can help help him with confidence, honesty, and hygiene but I need him to decide too to want to improve on the latter two. It crossed my mind last night and this morning that if Jake does not want to be the father right now to him then I am going to ask him to be his bishop. Then after my prayer this morning the thought crossed my mind to ask the executive secretary to put our boy in the 6:30 slot when Jake has a 6 and 7 appointment. Maybe this will help soften both hearts and improve relationships as I have prayed for. Will takes the lonely rad not traveled often and seeks to comfort others. He has a desire to do and be good.
Christopher. I am scared that his relationship is hindered by the issues we are having with his brother right now. Is he feeling noticed or alone? I worry more about my boys getting picked on than I did my girls. Are others kind to him? He is so small and although his speech has improved significantly, he is still so very soft spoken and not all words are enunciated nor pronounced correctly. I see Christopher developing some of the same habits that could be avoided and have no idea how to best shift them without he or his brother feeling bad. I do not want to nag at them and want them to see their good. Christopher is full of perseverance and courage. He is also really good about reaching out and inviting others in his Deacon's quorum or others to church. He strives to be inclusive.
Overall, I have been blessed with wonderful children that have strengths where it is important. They each have characteristics that exemplify the Savior and change the lives of others for the best. They are a light in my life and an example to me. They help me want to do and be better. They are a beacon of light in a dark world and we gravitate towards light.
While parenting is so hard, it has also taught me to love more fiercely. I am trying so hard to improve how I communicate things to my children and improve too. I so hope they love me despite my flaws and try to see the good in me. I am doing the very best I can although some days I feel I do more harm than good. They are my babies and I want to be their biggest cheerleader and advocate yet counsel them as well. Jake is way better than me and I need him.
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