Yesterday was one of those days where I question my worth. Much of this stemmed because my brother has asked to keep Riley and I’m not sure you should remove a child from their parent unless certain circumstances are present. Jake and I have told Charity multiple times that if needed, we could take him. Now, my entire family (parents and siblings) are encouraging her to let him stay in Idaho. It’s not that I think I’m any better of a parent but it’s the proximity to her, he would be closer to his mother if it indeed needed to happen.
Conversations with my parents made me feel that I was not an effective parent and that because we are not wealthy, we are less qualified because we cannot offer vast experiences. Let me be clear, I do not think a family should be torn apart just because nor do I think Heavenly Father made a mistake on where children were sent. I have felt for a couple months that there would come a time where Riley may need to stay with us for a while but only to help him adjust to Charity possibly re-marrying. Why am I sharing this? Yesterday this was my mindset I recorded: “ Do you ever feel unimportant? I do. I feel as if no one thinks I am good enough. I feel my parents and family don’t think I’m enough...maybe uneducated or not wealthy. Am I really the outsider?
I feel my husbands parents and family aren’t keen on me. I’m definitely the outcast there, the one indifferent if I’m around or even okay. Overlooked. I cannot honestly say any of them really know me (which I know I could be better at trying too but it’s hard when you feel as if you don’t belong). I let my husband and children down frequently. I’m not beautiful or even pretty enough for Jake. I don’t take the time I should with my kids and worry about trivial things.
There are times I wonder if I make positive contributions to those I love or if I am more of a hindrance. Am I the reason great things don’t happen to my husband or why my kids lack opportunities afforded to others. Am I even worth it?”
Yep, that was my mindset as I say in the car yesterday afternoon crying as I typed it. Laying in bed last night tearing a little, my mind remembered what Aubree had shared during family scripture from D&C 64 that morning about forgiving others. I saw it as the hand of God in my life yesterday. Maybe the Lord was reminding my parents did not mean to hurt my feelings and I ought not be offended. Maybe it was my reminder that no matter what, I must forgive. All I know was it served as a reminder as I reflected that it was meant for me and God spoke to me through my Aubree. I felt his hand yesterday. And while it did not ease the situation or my feelings, it comforted me to know that He was present.
