There are many times in my life, when I feel that I need to look up directions or instructions on how to do something.  The other night as I was contemplating how to best serve Will, I realized that I needed to turn to the source for instructions, the One who knows me better than anyone else, my Maker, and above all, a Father.  Heavenly Father is a father above all else and loves us infinitely and knows my child better than I know my child. It can be so frustrating for me because I love my kids so much and Will, really, really, really is a good kid but sometimes I feel that I struggle to understand him. For example, when I go to wake him and find a game stuffed in the pillowcase or find the computer (that I used at 10:00 p.m before I went to bed) in the pillow case...all for him to tell me that he got bored. Yet, he does the sweetest thing too, like writing stories or giving something of his up for a cousin.  I am trying to make a special effort to just spend time with him, well actually, I am making more an effort to spend time with each of my babies.  I want to develop a close relationship with them that last forever.  I truly believe that family is everything.  Speaking of family, Michael was here on business earlier this week so we got to unexpectedly have dinner with him.  How I loved when we all lived close enough to get together.

Solar eclipse (8/21/17)

 

  Jake had some family members (parents, Chris's family, and Sarah's family) decide to come up to the total solar eclipse. It was 94% in Shelby County, so decided to go to totality. We drove up to our neighbor's lake house and Sandra's Sunday to spend the night and headed to Dover TN to watch the full eclipse at Ft. Donelson National Battlefield. It was truly spectacular and amazing to witness. Literally in a matter of 4 minutes it went from daylight to dark (see photos) and yes, we really heard crickets, which we thought was a myth.  Jake and I took the day off work, although Ginny had started a petition to try to school cancelled. After witnessing the full eclipse, it makes me a little sad that Bartlett did not call school for an inclement weather day. School started back the first week of August and thus far, I have very much enjoyed having Jake there.  He makes me smile every day and I love that I can look around the corner during class exchange and see him. There is something about that man that makes me better. 

July 25, 2017

I am not sure why this did not publish on July 25 (also the night we took girls to The Little Mermaid)
Preface- the beginning portion of this was written last night (I did go back and delete some things because there are things that need not be disclosed).
Well maybe I am wrong....maybe Jake has checked out. He came in tonight and I thought maybe it was to talk but he doesn't feel that helps but leads to situations like the one we are in now where we have been off for a few weeks. But I think he has probable been annoyed for a good five to six weeks. Even tonight when I suggested hashing it out, he refused. He was silent when I told him that I felt it had been a little while and that I thought it was a battle for him to be in love with me right now, he definitely did not deny it leaving me the impression he wasn't sure we can be fixed nor that he even cares to try. Is it possible that I haven't felt feelings of being alone in my head? Am I that hard to live with? To love? Maybe I am not worth it or to him we are not worth it? Have I been naive? The week before we left for Texas,  I was informed of three things: 1. I am controlling and "wear the pants in our family" (I ask him about almost everything or so I thought to prevent him from getting upset) 2. My family is around or over way too much this summer and 3. I shut down some of his ideas. Yes, those things hurt my feelings very much but over the last few weeks since he told me I've given it my best, despite being sad about it, to do better. Now I am fully aware that I'm very far from being perfect but I can say I think about him in everything that I do. There are things I can't disclose in detail but it in the past I have felt at times if I were different that he would be happier and better, so much so, as much as it broke my heart to think of not being with him that I felt it might lead to a better life for him. There are moments in my life that my heart breaks to feel that I am not the person that I need to be for him.  (Monday, July 24, 2017)
You may be wondering why I choose to share this top part and not delete it, well there are rough times in marriages and in life. It happens and we not need shun them...things can be worked out. We ended up talking for a few hours last night and were able to express our feelings and opinions.  I think we had both said things in frustration; I know that I did when I felt he was pressing me to let it out. I regret that those things were said in the tone they were and that they were said at all. Maybe we are in a rougher spot that I realized but I am confident that it will be overcome. I love him and my life with him (that sounds selfish) too much to let it fall apart, even if I am the only one fighting for it.  Jake did raise a good point last night that we have battles we fight for one another and our marriage the the other does not realize.  The example he gave was the idea that he may never get to move out West or that he may never leave Tennessee. One thing that I know for a surety is that inner battles are real, those silent battles can eat away at us and we must work to out them out. Now sure, there will be moments in our lives where they creep back in but we can not let them define us.

Note from Papa

I took this picture this morning.  

Here's the story behind why.

Last night I tried to buy the tooth Christopher had pulled.  I offered him a dollar.  We teased each other a few times.  I'd make the dollar look like a greenish butterfly drifting toward him while He dangled  the tooth in front of me but kept it out of my grasp. 

I ended up putting the dollar back in my wallet as Christopher & Riley tried double-teaming me to get it.

This morning Christopher showed me $2 & change he'd received for his tooth.  Riley asked him could he have one of the dollars.  Christopher said not these.

I pulled the butterfly dollar back out of my wallet & fluttered it to Christopher saying, "You can have this one too."

Christopher took it, smiled, and handed it to Riley, saying, "You can have this."  What an example he is.  How lucky I was to see that.

A few minutes later Riley started playing No-I-Owe on TV.  He played maybe 15 minutes before handing Christopher the controls.  Then Riley quietly set on the couch watching his cousin play.

Date night with our girls

For Christmas last year, the girls received tickets to see "The Little Mermaid" production at the Orpheum. It was a very enjoyable evening with our growing young ladies. Before the show, Jake and I took them to dinner at Texas de'Brazil. Aubree loves the storyline of the little mermaid, so she loved the evening. After the show,  the walk to the car was enjoyable and I was very thankful that Jake and I hashed it out the night before because we seemed more normal again. I am a believer that you have to express things or they build. This week teachers went back to work and I love that I can walk around the corner and there's my guy. The boys are registered at Bon Lin Elementary but I was so reluctant and had said that if I wasn't pleased with their teachers, I was withdrawing them and putting them back at Altruria. Although I do not know much about the teachers there,  I really liked Wills and hear that Christopher's is pretty grand too. Time will tell.
This has nothing to do with any of this previous entry but tonight after I showered and got ready for bed, I saw myself in the mirror, more specifically my arms, and thought about my little workouts I've been attempting to do with Jake, thinking how gross my arms are. They are flabby and unattractive. It makes me feel not so cute and wonder if my looks ever bother Jake? I have no doubt people probably wonder why he is with me, not only for looks but for personality.