Our prayers are not unanswered nor in vain

Recently,  Rebekah shared something that had profound influence on me about prayers and prayers being answered. My prayers and scripture reading are not as regular occurances as they need to be but I hope to remember to do this. I wanted to share part of Rebekah's blog in her words because they are fitting to how I felt as well: "Yesterday, I struggled more than I’d like to admit as I fought my inner-self.  Then I went to sacrament meeting today.  The talks today were on pioneers, not my favorite subject.  Usually, I tune out during the Pioneer Day talks.  After all, my ancestors didn’t cross the plains so how do these talks really relate to me?  However, today’s speakers caught me off guard as they captivated me.  There was one talk given by a young woman who talked about how she was a pioneer for her family.  Another speaker talked about the pioneers of this area.  The last speaker talked about lessons learned from pioneers.  She had an ancestor that died crossing the plains with her family. After sharing this story, she speaker posed the question that many of ask during times of trials.  Her ancestor was doing exactly what the Lord had asked of her and still she died. She then said her ancestor might have thought, “Lord, I’m doing everything you asked of me and I still died.  What’s the point?” She then expounded, Joseph Smith must have been asking a similar question when he received this revelation (D&C 121: 7-10)

7. My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt the on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes

9. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friends hands.

10. Thou are not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgressions, as they did Job.

How many scripture stories are there of prophets who followed the Lord perfectly and things did not end well for them.  Joseph Smith and Job have already been mentioned.  She also mentioned Abinadi.   Being burned alive is definitely not a desired outcome.  That struck home for me.  How many times within the past week, month, or year have I asked the question, “Why is this happening to me?  I’m doing all thou has asked of me so what’s the point?”  Maybe there are lessons left for me to learn in order to best serve in the Lord’s kingdom in the future.  Maybe it is not the season for me to experience certain things.  Maybe, as one dear sister commented in Relief Society, we need to experience trials so we can feel comfortable in the presence of those such as Job after we depart this mortal life. "  (this is from her blog Sunday 7/23/17- she writes very well and there's no way I could've said it better but I loved Lauren Parker's talk- the last one referred to)

She also shared something that had profound influence on me about prayers and prayers being answered. My prayers and scripture reading are not as regular occurances as they need to be but I hope to remember to do this. Rebekah read an article or blog about a lady who adds a "but if" statement to her prayers that I hope to apply. The formula recommended is:

"My Desire + ”But If” + A Godly Desire" 

While I know God hears and answers prayers,  there are times when I wonder why the righteous (or what I think are righteous prayers) are not answered sooner or at all. I am fully aware that our prayers are answered in a Heavenly Fsther's time but sometimes that can be hard to accept when what you are praying for is good. Here is an example Rebekah gives of the prayer formula in action, “God, please bless that I will be included in my group of friends, but if not, even if I feel excluded, help me to be kind and generous.”  I look forward to try this method of prayer and hope to notice a change in my urgency to pray.  I will still pray for things my heart desires but will make sure I add the “but if” statement. 

We all have those moments or days...

Life is breathtaking... sometimes it stops your air and your heart leaps.  Other times it feels like the air is getting too thick to consume.  At other times your breath slows to a pace that it seems everything is standing still.  No matter your breath or how you might define it, you are remarkable as am I...sometimes we all need that reminder.  There are moments throughout some days that I just want to feel like I matter, like I am important, or like I am cherished. When this happens it affects me for a few days.  No doubt that my husband loves me and for sure my sweet kids too (especially Christopher) but the struggle is real. There are moments when I feel as if I give it my all yet it's not reciprocated. Moments where what I want is completely on the back burner and yet I consistently try to do and be what Jake wants oft feeling the same is not done for me. Or I drop hints or directly say something and all I get is "I'm sorry we are having a hard time right now", wait! - what about talking it out and really see what is eating at one another, instead of ignoring it. This may sound as if I have an unhappy marriage but it's really quite the opposite, I feel we are very happy. I can only think of twice in marriage where I feel our marriage or happiness together was threatened and that was in 2003 or 2004 in Utah and the fall of 2015 (which lasted a couple months and one of the worst things to me is that Jake didn't even realize we were growing apart- his touches nor kisses were the same and our conversations were superficial). It is days like those or today that I want to crawl back into bed and sleep it all away but I can't. I need to be present for my kids, ensure they feel loved, ensure their needs are met, and see them for who they are. But my eyes still show the struggle, if anyone takes the time to really look into them- The reality of what I face today or feel right now.  Why do I share this?  Because we all have days or moments or years or lifetimes like this.  And I want to share a few thoughts that I too need to apply.
1. Take time each day to do something for you, something that lifts you, whatever that might be.
2.  When you interact with others, take time to look into their eyes and see behind their masks, behind their brave faces and words.  Recognize their humanity, frailties, and existence.
3. Don't let pain stop you from being-  from existing in whatever form, graceful, happy, or not.  Give yourself space to simply be.
4. Remember you are never alone in anything you face.  Though your circumstances may be unique there are always others who understand or at the very least will sit with you. (I need to find that person for me because often I do not want to burden others and can not my sisters right now).
Do I have things all figured out, do I have solutions to everything?  Not at all.  I generally get it wrong and I regularly make mistakes. I raise my voice at my children too much and lose patience with others. There are days where I feel like I have no one to talk to about my struggles, days I feel utterly alone, and days I want to crawl in a ball (because of how I feel or because I've said or done something stupid).  But that's the beauty of life...just being, accepting, and breathing.

Home

We are back from our travels this summer. We left Texas a little later than anticipated to head with Chris and Crystal for Colorado but it was fine. We took the kids Capulin Volcano in New Mexico and the Great Sand Dunes in Colorado. We usually enjoy visiting with Chris's family and the kids very much enjoy their cousins. It was nice to get back home and settled back into our little lives. 

With that said, I do not feel like I've been myself and can't exactly pin point why. I still feel very torn about asking my family not to come over as often but want Jake to know he's my everything (I think in his mind they are over more than they really are or he counts dropping something off for five minutes as a visit). I love them and do not want to hurt their feelings. Yet at other times, I feel like I'm not really good for anyone including Jake, the kids, and my family. I find myself getting frustrated and reading into things, convincing myself that Jake doesn't put me first or value what I think. I'm sure I'm just a little nutty but I must pull myself together. Like anyone, I just want to feel like I'm someone's number one and that am always thought of. I fear that I am not helping Charity through her divorce but possibly making it more difficult on her. 

Quick trip to Texas

We left Friday morning to head to Texas for a quick trip to visit Jake's family. It also happened to be the weekend that Brian Thomas was going through for his endowment and his mission farewell was today (Sunday).  We were able to go to the temple Saturday with the family in Lubbock Texas.  I was very glad that Jake went but also a little bothered that I could not get Jake to go with me last week at home.  He did sit with me in the car on the ride back to Odessa and allow me to rest on him because I had a slight headache. As I sat at church today (Jake did not come because he had a headache (I think because he sat up too late playing games with two of his siblings, which both had headaches today too and did not go to church)), I listened, watched, and longed to have a better, closer relationship with family members.  My mind reflected on my siblings and my relationship with them too and during the closing song "God be with you till we meet again", my mind thought of my Mamaw and Papaw and how I will be so excited to see them again.  I feel fortunate to have that hope.  Family is one of the most important things in my life and having our children have relationships with both sides is a top priority.  Our trips to Texas usually enable the kids to see all of Jake's side of the family at once but that can also be difficult.  It seems that every time we are here, our kids feel left out with the other kids (and they are here every single day and night, this is not an exaggeration), making it more difficult. I am sure that part of it is because they do not know them as well but it hurts my heart to see my littles have hurt feelings or want to feel included. What I would give for people to come visit us or for our kids to get to know them individually! We are both blessed to have great families that have different strengths. Our families mold us into whom we are and whom we are becoming. 

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Birthday America!  How fortunate are we to live in this great land. The 4th of July is usually one of my favorite holidays but I have not enjoyed it so much this year.  When I think of the 4th of July, I think of being with family and firework celebrations but I have done neither today.  Charity is still recovering, Becky worked on getting things ready for her school year, and Jake needs his space sometimes and does not always enjoy being around everyone often.   Last Wednesday night, I took Charity to the emergency room and she got diagnosed with appendicitis and had surgery the next morning.  She had a birthday party planned for Izzy on Saturday, so Sandra, Becky, and myself made that happen. It worked well because I am very simple, Sandra does over the top parties, and Charity is somewhere in the middle so that is what the party was.  Sandra left for California Saturday afternoon. I was glad that Ginny arrived home safely from EFY Sunday.  I am grateful she gets the experience but I miss her the week she is gone.  Honestly, the last few days I have felt somewhat distance from others.  I want to do all I can for Charity right now but do not want to exhaust Jake either.  I enjoy being around family often and am good with people stopping by with no reason but he is a loner. It is something that we have adjusted with in our marriage. I am definitely not as social as I once was and am okay with that, it is a lifestyle that I have come to enjoy. However, I do not consider family as being social and will do all I can to help ease the load and carry any burden that I can for them. Mom has been here helping Charity and her and dad are almost here daily while she is going through the divorce.  My parents are very selfless when it comes to helping others, especially their children.  Here are a few of my random thoughts for the day.
1. Service to others is the greatest thing we can do.
2. Stop the negative "noise" and condescending self-talk and focus on what is in your control and what you can do for others
3. Be in a place of gratitude - it will bring you more things to be grateful for
4. You have value - always! Find how you can be of value to others when you feel lost - step out of your comfort zone (that's not where brilliant life change happens) and be a light to the world.
5. If you feel an instinct to serve, if you see a need, if you have an inkling of an idea that scares you - get after it and make it happen! Do BIG things - especially for others.
6. Isn't that what our forefathers did for us by helping secure our independence- it was a service to each of us. Let us not forget