Please end February

 I am ready for this month to pass.  It has been a long, heavy month. School was out a couple days last week (2/19 and 2/20) due to ice and snow so that was a plus.  Jake had the idea to see Hamilton Monday night as we got into bed, so Tuesday 2/18, I got tickets for the family.  The kids and Jake love Texas de Brazil so we went there for dinner before the show.  It was an unexpected splurge but with the events of the prior week, one that may have been much needed for our family. It was snowing good and there was ice on the road when we left but we made it safely home.  It was cute during the show, the boys were on the row in front of us and we could tell Christopher was nodding off, however after intermission, he seemed to be fine.  We had some seats in the wheelchair accessible area and Jake was so happy with the leg room.  School was back in on Friday but I was off work due to an administrative close with heating issues, so I took Jake lunch.  I enjoy being with him.

 

 

The youth had their spaghetti dinner fundraiser on Saturday 2/22 and it seemed to be a great success.  Saturday was exhausting as that morning was the funeral for Debbie Long, we were at the church most of the day between the two.  This was Jake's 10th funeral as bishop.  I had the thought a couple times this past week that he was prepared and saved to lead at the moment.  I spoke in West Memphis on Sunday (2/23)  and my dad rode with me. After church I made my parents a quick lunch because I knew I would be cooking dinner that evening because the girl's friend, Noah, was coming over. 

 

 

 

 

 

My heart has been heavy worrying for my son as I do not know the best course of action to parent him nor help build his faith. I am hoping  he is in the midst of a faith evolution (trying to use this phrase from here out instead of faith crisis) and will see the hand of God and miracles in his life.  He does not like me most days though and gets super annoyed that I "make" him do school work or try to limit his soda intake to one a day.  He also does not like when I try to counsel him on his spending habits, trying to help him not spend his entire check in one day. 

Maybe this month is a faith evolution for me.....I am trying really hard to see the hand of God in my life and trust in Him to lead me.  I get nervous I will not recognize it, or maybe even convince myself that my own voice in my head is Him. I need to learn better to discern.

Tender mercies

 Yesterday as the sacrament was being passed, I had another small crying episode. A few minutes after church started, my mom and dad came and joined me at church.  I know they came because they are worried and care for me. I tried to walk discretely out after the sacrament and come back in the back, so hopefully it was not evident. Sunday school was good  and after one of the sisters came and asked how I was, which led to more teary eyes. But amongst all my little tears, there were some tender mercies too through comments.  At one point, I was speaking with one of Jake's counselors and he told me that he had prayed for the bishop to sleep well Friday night after I had told me it has been a long week for us and to maybe offer Jake a blessing. Then Saturday he was talking to Jake and Jake mentioned he had had the best night of sleep he had had in a hot minute, a tender mercy and testament to me that God, not only hears our prayers, but answers them. Jake said he had felt the prayers of others.  How I hope that people continue to pray for him and our son. 

Jake had a later day than normal at church so I ended up trying to grill steaks. It was also my mom's birthday and we wanted to cook for her. However, it did give me more time to feel bad and cry more, which is exactly what I needed (sarcasm).  Dinner was good and Jake made it as we were having cake, I was just glad to see him.  He gives me strength and reminds me of the good in me when I forget. After everyone left, Jake and I went to make visits. While he was visiting with one, he shared an experience he had this past week, that I was reminded of that I should record.  Jake conveyed he was cleaning out his office Tuesday night and as he was straightening his drawer where he keeps wedding, baptism, and funeral programs that he told the Lord he was ready, if it was time for him to do another funeral..then Wednesday night, Debbie passed unexpectedly. Jake felt as if the Lord had provided him a short break and prepared him.

 Another mercy was about 9:00pm last night, another sister from the ward texted and asked if she could stop be.  She wanted to check on me and said she had the prompting for a couple days. What a tender mercy to me to be reminded, I am not forgotten. Sometimes in challenging times or in waiting periods of our lives we feel forgotten. 

2/15/2025 (8:10am)

 Last night (2/14-Valentines), Jake and I attended the sealing of one the ward members. I felt like we were for sure off with one another some and distant. I think it’s primarily because of Wednesday and Thursday night. Wednesday was not terrible but really, really long. I’ll quickly recap a touch. 

Wednesdays are my early day at work, I go in and 6:15-6:30am and get off 3:15-3:30pm. As I was pulling into the cove, I got a call from a ward member asking if I’d heard from another who missed their dialysis appointment and no one could get on the phone. I had not but said I’d go check on them. Jake was home so I asked him to go with me in the event it wasn’t good. After knocking hard on the door, a few times and no response, it was unlocked so we went in. We heard her say “in the bedroom” when we went in. She was face down on the floor and had been for over 24 hours. My best guess is it happened either Monday night getting into bed or Tuesday morning getting out of bed. We, primarily Jake, lifted her into her bed and asked if she was hurt. I finished putting her shirt on, only one arm was in, which is why I think it occurred either getting ready for bed or getting out and her leg was not on. Against what she preferred, we felt best to call an ambulance to transport her to the hospital to get looked at as we couldn’t even get her to the toilet much less in the car. The paramedics arrived and we told them what knew as they asked. They asked specifically about heart conditions because her heart rate was so high, to our knowledge she had none. We asked her to be taken to Baptist East (where she was around Christmas) and after they got her onto the stretcher, I removed the bedding and too her soiled bottoms and that home to wash so when she got home in a day or so was our guess, it’d be clean. After we left, the ambulance was still parked in front of our house but we went to get boys off to church and then meet Ginny for a quick bite before Jake headed to church (he had to buy wood).  Ginny and I drove home and I decided I’d go to the hospital and check on the lady to see how she was and get her food or whatever is needed. She’s not close at all to her family and to my knowledge hasn’t spoken to her son in years, so I did not want her alone. Upon arriving at the emergency room and asking about her, I was informed no one by that name had been there. I called dispatch to see where she had been taken and then went there. Upon arrival and finding her, she still wanted ice and had not received any food, water, or ice so I went to the nurses station to ask if I could give her ice chips. They said no as they were waiting on scans to come back to ensure no internal bleeding. They asked who I was and the relationship, I told them friend and answered what I knew. I did not know family names (I knew a niece in Mississippi and a son somewhere but that’s it), but I knew the power of attorney name and number so gave them that.  Then I went back into room to be with her. She was hot and wanted her sweater off so I helped get one arm out and it off her neck. When the nurse came in to try to get more blood, she helped remove the other arm. The arm I removed was cold to the touch and I got an uneasy feeling. Minutes later, her heart rate is 256 and the doctor comes in and said she’d had a large heart attack. Everything began happening so quick I didn’t think to ask prior (maybe that’s what put her on the floor) or currently,  was she having one then, yet she didn’t seem to be in pain. Fortunately she was alert still but so weak, she was able to answer questions and they just asked he if that had been her wishes. The answer to my knowledge was yes because prior hospital visits/stays she had said that. Within 10 minutes, her blood pressure kept dropping and her heart was in the 50’s and she had passed. I was there for it all. Once the room was cleared and I was trying to process ever thing, I felt as if I heard her say “thank you”.  Jake was in route to give a blessing when I called him and told him. He made the appropriate calls and fortunately someone knew a family number and we were able to contact them. It was a really long night. The nurses explained that since she passed in the ER or within 24 hours of admission, the police have to come do a report to determine if foul play or if the medical examiner needed to come. They rest of the evening was a lot too. I do not think I was thinking clear on all things and was partly in shock. I felt like so much was happening still. And I felt so bad because Sunday when I picked her up (I’ve picked her up the last 2.5 years), I was short because Will and I were having a moment. Yesterday, I sobbed so much just re-thinking every thing: seeing her lying on the ground (it breaks my heart to think of anyone like that)…knowing it’d been so long, unkindness Sunday, an unthoughtout action (putting Jake in bad spot but thinking honoring her wishes when mentioned to me because I too had heard say it on multiple occasions), her last breaths, wondering if I should’ve given her ice, she passed probably longing for four or water, the discomfort but peace at the same time, etc. 

I can tell I’ve disappointed Jake with the events of Thursday (2/13)  night he came home too. One of which was Will had hit me 4 times- I need to learn to deescalate situations and he needed to be comforting a family but instead he as needed in our home. After the sealing last night, we grabbed a taco and I began sobbing again. He told me I needed to stop re-living it and I was there. I showed up, I ministered, and she wasn’t alone. Then we got home, he was irritated to find Will laying on the couch with the back of it lined with trash. After Will showered, he spoke to him but was so kind yet stern. I didn’t agree with all he said and after the boys went to bed, I expressed that. I feel we both worry so much about him and want to help but don’t know how. However, I will say Jake is way better than I. Needless to say for me Sunday, Thursday, and Friday have been crummy days and Wednesday was exhausting and overwhelming. But Wednesday also had some good that she was found because of a series of calls and concerned women, she didn’t die alone, and I really think I heard a thank you for her above. In some ways, I feel so defeated but look for strength and the good  or miracles. Here’s to hoping today is better. 

Being a wife to Jake and a mom to Ginny, Aubree, Will, and Christopher gives me reason to be and stay hopeful…that this too shall pass and a spark in me will reignite soon….that the weight I’m carrying and Jake is carrying will be removed before it’s too heavy for us. Today, I did not like that girl looking back at me in the mirror. Life this week has been heavy a couple days, actually draining…..I feel like sometimes I’m the only person who gets it all wrong or messes up so frequently . The reality is at times we all screw up….but we are still loved.  I’m trying to remember this is just a chapter not my whole story…that’s still being written.  2/15/2025 (8:10am)

2/14/2025 (3:31pm)

 There are some days you hope to not remember, last night became one of those for me.  I had a terribly argument with my son and have inadvertently involved Jake and I in something that is less than an idea situation. I have made a situation more difficult for him..a situation where the less he knows (and I ) the better. I will not disclose specifics right now but I am praying the Lord sees fit to help navigate this and no confidence lost in my husband for something he was in no way a part of. Unfortunately, he is in a sticky situation, by none of his own means, and the less he knows the better.  I think I was somewhat in shock of all that had happened and knew what I had heard a person say more than once, and trying to best honor their wishes but in hindsight, I wish I could undo an action.  I feel it is a lose-lose situation. I have not slept well the last two evenings and sobbed a lot from last night through today. I am trying to remind myself that this too shall pass. It is hard when you feel you have disappointed others, especially those most loved and whom love you the most.

It is Valentines and I am blessed to have the five most beautiful people as an integral part of my life.  Jake and our kids are my everything, even on hard days. 

Not my day

 Today, well primarily since getting off work, has not been my best day. And most of it has been me, I’m just irritable. I would love to say oh, it’s just hormones and I’m sure that’s a contributing factor but I think some has lingered from yesterday and me being too sensitive. 

Yesterday was a rough morning trying to get to church. Will didn’t have his talk written so I woke him up early to do that and then get ready for church, which he did not and was not ready when it’s time to go. He struggles to get moving in the mornings, so I’m accustomed to that but I think I was frustrated because I had so many small things to do too before getting out the door and no help. We argued most of the time in the car, which once again, I should’ve been better on and said things out of frustration not true. He decided to rip his talk to pieces and wouldn’t come in initially (all this on a morning where Jake was getting a new counselor). It was hard and I was feeling really crummy and that I did little good.

 But the Lord saw fit to send two tender mercies or reminders that I’m not as bad as I may think, although I have really big moments of weaknesses.  During Jake’s new counselor’s testimony, he shared when his family was preparing to move to the area, he thought he was calling the bishop but reached me instead. He stated I told him how wonderful our youth and primary program was and invited them to the Saturday evening session of stake conference. He and his wife snuck in the back and then heard someone say their names and it was I. He shared that the bishop and I sat in the feet back with them and I told them in the Bartlett 2nd Ward, people do not sit alone. And since they arrived in Bartlett, they’ve never felt alone. That was reminder one from the Lord. 

Reminder two came as I decided to attend young women’s with Jake because he was teaching. During the lesson, the president told the girls that she and I aren’t friends, we do not talk often but in the last several months, she had received texts from me, when difficult things have happened in her life within 10 minutes of them happening and it must’ve been me following the Spirit. 

Oh and one more gentle reminder from my Heavenly Father yesterday was when we were in the stake presidents office for the setting aparts and there was a painting hanging on the wall I’d never seen. It was of Christ in the garden and an angel beside Him offering Him comfort. I did not realize it yesterday but I reflected on that painting multiple times today and it brought comfort. Even my Redeemer who provides strength and comfort may have needed the same s moments in His life. 

So needless to say, I think I let my frustrations and feelings of inadequacies roll over from yesterday. I didn’t say much after work today but just felt irritated. After dinner, I decided I needed some alone time so I went to Kroger. As I was loading the car to find come home, I think Jake realized I had stepped out because he called asking where I was then preceded to tell me Will backed into car. This is his third little fender bender, all backing into a non-moving object. I think we both stayed calm but it felt heavier for me when I got home. We literally just bought that car (2014 Toyota Prius) last month for him. In the end, it’s just a thing and he’s much more important. 

We are hoping that Will is able to go back to the temple soon. I have noticed improvements in his honesty. He had been honest at times, like today with the Prius, that in the past he would’ve been dishonest about. Additionally, he seems to be better with his temper too. The youth went to the temple on 2/6 and had a good turnout. I was sad Will wasn’t there. 

Formal Dance and testimonies

 Testimony meeting was filled with the Spirit for me today. I left sacrament meeting feeling edified and wanting to be a little better. Testimonies were bore about the Savior and knowing one another before this life. What a beautiful reminder of the choices made and how we should treat one another. 

Last night, we had the opportunity to chaperone the formal dance. Will looked so handsome. Ginny actually came over too and danced with him. 

Will and his closest friend, JJ Jones

Our youth that are old enough to attend 

My forever favorite date.