Ramblings....

 So sometimes I text myself things that can not be shared...here are some from the last month or so.

Aug 29, 2021

This afternoon we were called into to meet with President Scot Canfield, the stake president, at 4:30. Jake is being called to serve as bishop of the Bartlett 2nd ward. I know he is and will be wonderful. He is kind, compassionate, accepts people as they are, and has unwavering faith. Tonight as I have thought about what may lay in store the next 5 years, I feel I must be better. Jake came home and immediately discarded of something we had. As I walked it to the trash outside, I thought of his strength, example, and commitment. I want him to know he can count on me the next five years to look after our family on the days he’s away. I want him to know I support him 100% and I, too, will become more and better.

Truth be told, I have mixed feelings about leaving the Central Gardens branch, we have grown to love it. Serving in the branch has been a blessing for our family and we’ve grown. I do like the idea of the kids being around more youth and primary kids.

August 31, 2021

I have disappointed Jake. It hurts my heart. He needs to know he can trust me and count on me. It makes me sad.

September 1, 2021 (7:21 am)

Over the last few days I’ve been thinking of what I can best do to support and strengthen Jake. I am contemplating after he’s called asking previous Jen in their calling his their wives best supported them…what was something they really appreciated to make it a more meaningful 5 years and less concern at home.  I do know I will make it more of a priority to show kindness to all and try to speak with more people on Sunday’s.

September 1, 2021 (9:37 pm)

Today I spent time researching more fully the role of a bishop. One thing that stood out that the call is not surpassed by many things, namely marriage and fatherhood. I do know Jake will excel at spiritual guidance and be a compassionate person to speak with.

I also created a list of things I need to do to support him, from always having a clean, pressed, white shirt to not asking questions to sitting in a foyer while he may have to counsel with another woman to avoid the appearance of evil. I will do whatever I can to support him and help build our eternal family.

September 6, 2021 (3:50 pm)

I think the Devil is working hard on me right now, I am guessing maybe because my actions effect Jake and he is preparing to receive a greater mantle of blessings. Yesterday at church as I watched Jake bless the sacrament, bear his testimony, and then teach Sunday school, I thought I felt a small assurance that yes, he will be exceptional. I selfishly thought how I’m glad he will be our kids father at home and leader at church. They will be fortunate to hear a multiplicity of his counsel. I also felt it during family scripture and prayer again last night.

But here’s where I think I may being allowing myself to be pulled down…I beat myself up. During Sunday school yesterday I mentioned I disagreed (politely) and the gentleman said a teacher should never disagree with others in class but open discussion (he was visiting from Utah). He told my how great of a teacher my husband was but left me with the impression I needed to improve, which is probably accurate. Jake is exceptional at teaching and speaking. Then today, I have felt a little down. I took Will to swim with a friend and stopped by the temple on my way home. I probably sat there and poured my heart out to God for about 5 minutes. As I was pleading to know if I have been forgiven for something or needed to ask for forgiveness for something after my mission before marriage, suddenly my tears stopped and it’s almost like it left my mind. Initially, I thought maybe the Lord was telling me I had made restitution or it wasn’t needed but then began to wonder if I was convincing myself if that. You see if I need to confess, I do not want to burden Jake with it when he is bishop. Regardless, I felt the power of just sitting in the car in the parking lot outside the gate of the temple.

September 6, 2021 (7:30pm)

I told him and it was so very hard. I hope he doesn’t think less of me and still wants me. I really dislike myself. Please, please if you are reading this and need to square things whatever they may be. Do not wait 20 years…maybe it’s not something he needs to know because we weren’t married but I want to be transparent with him. My heart hurts that I told him, maybe the healing process can complete itself. I am not confident I haven’t told him in the past but do not think I have. There’s no prime opportunity to drop unpleasant news on anyone. I’m so sorry to him and my Savior. I have failed him and probably disappointed him two weeks in a row. I could not bear to look at him- I did not want to see the same disappointment I saw last week in his eyes. He’s my everything and I hope this doesn’t change that.

September 6, 2021 (10:53 pm- from Jake discovered the next day)

Renee… I love you for who you are.  I don’t look upon your past and think that you did bad things or that you were a bad person.  Your experiences shaped you into the best person for those around you.  You have tried to be a disciple of Christ, so He has been able to shape your experiences for your good and the good of those around you, whether the experience itself was good or bad.  Don’t carry any burden of shame any longer.  Instead carry with you this knowledge:

You are loved beyond measure.

You are greater than the sum of your mistakes.

You are an anchor to your family and husband.

You are delivered because of the greatness of your Deliverer. 

You are my personal hero, superstar, reminder of my Savior’s love, reason for trying, and love to be around person.

September 12, 2021

Thursday, Jake and I went to the temple. I felt okay about it. Today, I spoke with the branch president and told him of my past and to assume the worst, although I do bot think the worst happened. He told me I had been forgiven and needed not to confess again. I feel the most peace when I am with Jake and hear what he thinks the Savior would say “Go and sin no more”. I cannot think of a better person to counsel others and judge. I have no idea how I have been so blessed to have him in my life.

Today was most likely his last Sunday in the branch because he plans up hurricane clean up next weekend. The stake president said it will most likely not happen until 9/26.  We are asked frequently if we are back in Bartlett and I just say our records were moved by mistake. We are doing our very best not to give any indication of anything. I am ready for it to happen so I don’t feel like I am being dishonest with others and I can talk to my family and friends a about it.

September 26, 2021

Today is our last Sunday in the branch. As sacrament was being passed, while I know I should’ve thinking of the Savior, my heart was full watching Jake and Will pass. What a wonderful experience the branch has been for our family. Jake has been able to personally teach our son, 1:1, about his priesthood responsibilities and prepare the bread and water weekly with him. I’m not are that experience would’ve happened elsewhere. Each of our children discovered something about themselves here being often the youth or primary child. Talents were developed and ways to serve found. It has been a wonderful experience and we have grown to love the people in the Central Gardens branch of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

One downfall was that I was unable to sit with Jake today during sacrament. See, the rows are set up in 5 (due to limited space, the branch meets in an old strip mall building) and one of the inactive members sat by me as Jake and Will were on the front row waiting to pass. While I know there will be opportunities  such as stake conferences, I will miss being able to nestle onto his arm and rest my head upon his shoulders. I guess I can just stare at him or glance up often at him with eyes full of love. He is my rock.